Saturday, January 8th, 2011Don't Crowd Your Love! Flowers need space to grow and flourish, so do people. No matter how much you love your mate, your child, your friend, give them space. How can you know who you are, what you need, unless you have room to feel your boundaries, where you end and someone else begins? I have seen lovers, parents and friends crowd loving relationships with expectation, judgement and concern. You crowd out your loved ones' oxygen supply with subtle demand. They do not have room to experience who they are or what they need. Instead of emphasizing what you perceive, need or expect. begin by giving them space to clarify what they experience and desire. Allow sufficient space for two roots to develop. Stop advising your lover,friend or teen and listen more. Leave space for love!
Read More...Sunday, November 7th, 2010Foreign Relations and Health: Narcissism in Conflict Sitting at Starbucks this morning, I opened Fall 2010 issue of the NYU Alumni magazine. A quote grabbed me. "There really is a paradigm that says 'the Middle East is just reactive and defensive and everything you see there is just a reaction to the way the United States acts, or to colonialism, or Zionism or imperialism." The author, Middle East Correspondent, Lee Smith, goes on to say that if you want to see the Middle East as a place that simply reacts to the United States, just study the United States.
Smith highlights narcissistic views that cripple healing opportunities in international relations and health. One paradigm is correct. Other paradigms exist solely in reaction. Narcissis admiring himself in the pool assumes all pool activity is about him. Paradigms are built on values. Placing self at center trivializes truth, creates a constricted lens and negates the big picture.
I include health care because U.S. health care is built on the belief that disease is the culprit and must be eradicated or cut out, a good and lofty goal. However as the major paradigm guiding American health - 70% of health care dollars keep folks alive for final three months of life - it has limitations. Americans are more informed about disease than any country in the world but deficient in understanding levels of health and wellness.
Of course we need smart, educated, highly competent soldiers and surgeons, weapons and strategies to fight invaders whether human or disease. That does not mean the world is out to get us. Let's honor the fear from primitive brains now running foreign relations and health care. But avoid constricting your view .Step up to the human brilliance within .
Read More...Thursday, March 18th, 2010Fights on Facebook Couples fight on Facebook, notes today's NY Times . Each person presents verbal artillery to wound the other. Instead of discussing conflicts and coming to some resolution, a public war ensues, each partner searching for allies and ultimately the more powerful position. It reminds me of young children who say: "He did it first."
On Facebook, Mom doesn't decide. Friends and acquaintances are enlisted to judge who is right and who is wrong. Is there another reason for the public battle? Is the intent to shame and hurt one another? Is the goal a form of public flogging?
This morning I met a friend who was concerned because her 13 year old daughter was being bullied by a girlfriend. Subtle but the message is the same. I have the power. you are the victim. If I have an audience, my power is intensified.
Scanning a lead article on the first page of the Times, an infinitely more lethal form of bullying, terrorism, grabbed my attention. Bullying among teenage girls is at one end of the continuum and terrorism is on the far opposite end. However both evolve from a form of communication based on power rather than on human connection. I will destroy you emotionally, physically, spiritually to demonstrate my power over you.
Does one lead to the other? Do parental bullies produce bullying children? Were the parents of terrorists more likely to use abuse or violence in childrearing or in treatment of spouses? Do parental bullies teach that might is right and power precedes compassion and empathy.
I thought about it often during the day mostly between client sessions. Then the mail arrived with my March/April Psychotherapy Networker, a well written psychotherapist's magazine. On the last page, a psychologist wrote a piece about his father, whom he admired greatly. Examples were provided of how his father beat up folks who did not treat members of the family well. On the one hand it was protective but on the other hand, I felt some discomfort in my gut.
The terrorists think they are protecting their turf. The psychologist's father was protecting his family. It's still bullying. Sure self preservation is primal but this is not about self preservation, this is about power over others, the old victim/perpetrator dynamics.
All of these folks from the girl to the terrorist are engaging in victim/perpetrator dynamics.
Read More...Tuesday, September 29th, 2009Superior Wife or Overfunctioner? Last Saturday morning I rewarded a half hour exercise at our local Curves with a trip to the Village Cafe for a cup of steaming coffee, Irish oatmeal and The New York Times. "All sold out." I settled for our local Westchester paper, The Journal News. The headline in the LIFE&STYLE section caught my eye. "Why Marital Bliss Goes Amiss." I read more. "In a book on the woeful state of inequality in most marriages, author Carin Rubenstein doesn't mince words. Women are just too capable for their own good." In her book with an off-putting title, The Superior Wife Syndrome: Why Women Do Everything So Well and Why - for the Sake of Our Marriages - We've Got to Stop," she argues that many women are overworked doing it all and husbands are coasting along, happy with the status quo. She studied 1500 men and women and found that the men exaggerated their contributions to the household although "They're doing more than their own fathers but nowhere near half."
In my Couples Training, Murray Bowen, granddaddy of family therapy warned, 'Couples get caught in an over and under functioning reciprocity, a dance in which the more I do, the less you do; the less you do, the more I do. The couple is a system rather than two separate individuals. Each part of the system responds with reciprocity. We have been programmed from birth and over many generations to respond in particular ways. For a long time, men were the over functioners while women sometimes under functioned. The tables have clearly turned. The Womens' movement has left a mark. The dance of the couple is in flux. We need a dance teacher.
I suggest that in any relationship, the over functioner needs to back off and do less. Focusing on the under functioner rarely works. The over functioner has power to shift system dynamics by changing her over functioning behavior. Learn from the greatest teacher of all, the under functioner. Rest more, talk less, observe more, ponder but leave space for the under functioner to solve the problem, do the work. I am reminded of the parents who anxiously sat forward in their chairs worried about their son's failing grades while he sprawled across his seat looking bored. The son had the problem but the parents did the worrying. Until the problem and the anxiety are in the same person, no change occurs. The energy of anxiety will force a person to change his behavior. If a parent or a spouse does the worrying, the child can relax and not change.
The concept of superior/inferior is not a systemic concept and does not take into account our DNA programming over many generations. Change is a process but the only person you can really change is you. So change your behavior over functioners and take better care of your self. Whenever a person over functions in one area, she is under functioning in another. Rubenstein suggests five tips: "Just ask." Like just say no, sometimes it works, often it does not but if you back off, it may work. She suggests that women "develop manly skills like mowing the lawn." Won't work, more of the same. "Give him a choice." It may work but she still has the responsibility.
I like two of her suggestions. "Be less than you can be." Do not always be so competent. When spouses are practicing a behavior for the first time, they will not do it as well as you, the experienced ones, can do. Keep your mouth shut and Do Not criticize or show them how to do it. Everyone improves with practice. Her other appealing tip; "Silence your inner critic." That critic has been programmed over many generations. Be patient with her but Stop the negative self talk.
Think of your family as an organism in which the brain and heart function individually and as a system. If the heart under functions another part of the body tries to take over. If the brain over functions, other parts of the body may under function and so it goes. The brain is not superior to the heart nor the heart superior to the brain. So too with couples, if one partner is over functioning in one area, he or she is under functioning in another. Rubenstein found "non-superior wives happier and more satisfied with their sex lives than superior wives. Better functioning systems function better in all areas.
Over functioning shifts the balance, try to under function a bit. Change your dance steps by taking better care of yourself. Look in as well as looking out. Don't always be the one who sees the job to be done. Pause, give your partner time to miss the clean shirts or the gourmet dinner. Everything is not your concern or your job. If you back off, give it time, let's see if he moves in. If not, perhaps a discussion or a talk with a couples coach is needed.
Read More...Thursday, September 17th, 2009Dance of the Pursuer/Distancer Greg moves in, Lill moves out. Then Greg moves out and Lill moves in. Turn up the volume, do it in rthythm and experience the relationship dance. Some call it the Murray Bowen two step. "You move in and I move out. I move in and you move out." Bowen introduced this concept in his work with couples and families.
"I can't wait for your call but don't call too soon." Give me enough time to rev up excitement about you or I may cool it and distance a bit. You'll find less enthusiasm in my response. During that waiting time, insecurities about myself and other people's response to me bubble up and I feel a twinge of fear .
"Will he call?"
If Greg waits a while to call Lill, things happen. Lill gets more and more excited about his call and responds overenthusiastically . In turn, Greg feels a bit overwhelmed and cools down his response.
Another possibility. Lill may conjur up meanings about herself and Greg, explaining the delay in Greg's phone call. "He isn't interested, won't call, I 'm a loser, too smart, not smart enough, too fat, too thin; no one likes me." Or Lill may turn the tables, 'He was a jerk, didn't like him anyway."
Is there a way out of the dance? Like the sixties movie about dance contests, They Shoot Horses Don't They?, are you programmed to dance until you drop to the floor in exhaustion or frustration, hunger or thrist, occasionally dying in the process, still yearning for that elusive connection to feed your soul and body?
Instinctively we are drawn to pleasure and avoid pain, attracted to others of our species, our pack. What happens? Why does such an instinctive process go awry? Conditioning is a culprit. Like the song in South Pacific, "You have to be taught to love and hate."
Development is another factor. As babies we expect others to meet our needs. As we get older we assume increasing responsibility for getting our needs met. . Greg may be preoccupied, feeling ill or more interested in work at that moment. Lil may be rejected and angry at her mother and not available to support Greg in the moment. Life is like that . No one is there for you 100% of the time. Research tells us that the best mothers in the world get out of synchrony with their babies every thirty seconds.
Still a third and very important factor is the residual from trauma and overwelming distress experienced intergenerationally and personally. Wars, poverty, racism and addictions, sexism, rankism, violence and abuse, surgeries; illnesses and accidents, disasters, abandonment and neglect. Each of these can leave imprints in our bodies that are triggered when someone pursues or distances from us.
Unless, we take a moment, a pause that allows change to occur, we respond in old conditioned ways. For something different to happen, we stop, perhaps scan the room and let our eyes rest on something. This orients us to the here and now and "creates space in our togetherness." as the writer, Kahil Gibran urges. Instead of responding in ways conditioned over eons or even this lifetime, respond to Present Moment , the only true reality. Past and future are creations of our mind fed by memories stored in the amygdala and hyppocampus of our brains. Truth is our current experience, what we sense, feel and think at this moment.
The more we do this the more resilient we become and the more loving our behaviors. Love is accepting the other person in his or her fullness, warts and all. Essential to love is accepting ones self, warts and all.
When the pursuer/distancer dance begins, Lill can be truly intimate by pausing and allowing a Stop step. Pause, scan the room, focus, go inside and respond with a creative new step. Instead of distancing when Greg calls, Stop. Go inside, feel the discomfort in your chest. Hang out with it. It will eventually dissipate since it is really about old pain when Dad hid behind his newspaper not seeing you, Mom ignored you to care for your new brother or a previous date dissed you.
Maybe it is something larger. Deeply imbedded flight or fight responses so overwelming that you freeze or dissociate and flee to outer space rather than staying in this room. Perhaps, you angrily lash out in rage at the slightest hint of rejection.
In that case, some additional coaching is indicated. A counselor, coach, friend or family member can stay present with you and contain you, as slowly and mindfully, you experience those sensations and emotions stored in your body.
Don't forget to scan the room when it feels intense. Come back to the present. Know when enough is enough. At that point, change the channel, hug a tree or a dog, look at a sunset, read a book. Smile. Recall a pleasant experience. If it feels too big, call in a professional. It is a great investment. Who better to invest in than you. I promise a great return on that investment.
I call it Dancing School for the Soul. Enjoy the dance! Support the sixth grader in you who sits on the sidelines, yearning to ask someone to dance but fears rejection; afraid someone may step on her pretty new shoes or horrified of making a mistake. As Ram Dass wrote in his sixties book, Be here Now. Dance as if your life depended on it. Do enjoy it! The pleasure is in the dance.
Read More...Wednesday, September 16th, 2009"Why is he distancing from me?" Jeannine, an attractive young artist complains that Doug, her husband of two years is interested in golf, football and the computer but not her.
"What do you mean he cries, you are always avoiding me. Every night, I put my arms around you,Jeannine, I try to kiss you but you seem disinterested."
"That is all you care about, Doug. When I ask you how you feel or ask you to hold me, you sit there surfing the TV, oblivious to me. Then at bedtime you change your tune."
What is going on? Two attractive young people love each other but have trouble creating together time that satisfies them.
"You are experiencing a dilemma faced by many couples," I gently tell them. "Each of us has a unique style of connecting. Emotional pursuers calm their insides and solve problems by being with people and talking about feelings, dreams, worries, needs. In contrast. Emotional distancers often prefer being alone especially when feeling stressed. Like Doug, they calm their insides by moving away from people and towards objects like golf, TV or newspapers."
Couples engage in the pursuer/distancer dance both emotionally and physically. A sense of frustration brings Jeannine and Doug to my office. She pursues emotionally and distances sexually while he pursues sexually and distances emotionally, a rather common occurence. Yet, each one is making a bid for connection.
"Pursuers and distancers are attracted to one another", I comment, "it works until anxiety or stress builds, then the pursuer intensifies her pursuit while the distancer retreats further and further. It is not about the partner but about the way they calm their insides."
The solution:" take a time out to soothe your nervous system. Have a cup of tea, call a friend, take a walk; hug your dog; listen to music, watch a video because at that moment your partner has different needs from you. To pursue him or her leads to frustration and rejection. It is not about you, it is about your partner's wiring and how it differs from yours."
Problems occur when Doug's distancing reminds Jeannine of her intellectual and silent father who hid behind his newspaper when she tried to tell him about her day at school.
"Jeannine's avoidance reminds me how alone and unloved I often felt when my mother gave me a cool peck on the cheek rather than a big hug. Physical contact makes me feel loved, " Doug painfully shares.
Define yourself! It is okay to be who you are and to express your unique way of solving inner discomfort. Talk about your differences during a calm interval. It may lead to compassion for one another. When stressed and activated, give partners space to do what they need to do without judging them.
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